The Slave Girl: Chapter 1

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The Slave Girl: Chapter 1

Post by Unit7 on Sun Sep 26, 2010 10:44 pm

Keep in mind that this chapter is what you might consider... uh an extreme example of what a first draft might look like. Its also been like 2 months since I wrote anything so this will explain why this might be a bit more rougher then my usual work.

The story predates the events of The Black Cat. Which I will also be finishing soon. I have had the ending in my mind since shortly after I started writing. I have yet to actually write it down. It's one of those scenes where I fear I can't quite write it as I picture it. So in the mean time you can read an earlier adventure of Artemis Long Daggers. (which I finally figured out the name of the weapons I had in mind. Sai's. Sorta like how Raphael uses them in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

The Slave Girl: Chapter 1

The small amphitheater was crowded by the time Artemis arrived. Pulling her cowl tightly over her head, as she did not want her race to be known, she began scanning the audience carefully watching for any signs of potential enemies. A large obese man caught her attention along with a young boy sitting next to him. The man laughed, his many chins wobbling, as the small boy squirmed in his seat. Artemis watched him closely as she took her own seat a row behind him. There was something off about the man and the boy and it took all her resolve to not kill the man as he placed a hand on the boys thigh.

She tore her gaze away from him and continued her search. Most of the men, as there were so few women, were wearing tunics that had a small insignia in the shape of a pick ax and a mountain looming behind it. She recognized it immediately. It meant they were part of the Mining Company in Thoresfeild. Why did they have to protect one of them? It was obvious they were all scum.

“Ladies and Gentlemen I would like to extend my welcome to this auction. My name is Tybell.” A man called out from the stage. Artemis had to hold her hand as it had reached for a throwing dagger. She closed her eyes, but his image was burned into her memory. He was wearing one of the tunics with the insignia, a long sword hung at his side, most likely never used. One day I will kill you, she vowed. “The items on sale today are of the highest quality I have ever seen! There is also a special item for only the high bidders.” His eyes twinkled and the audience broke out into whispers. Artemis pulled her cowl tighter over her ears. She didn’t want to hear them if she could avoid it. But she was too late, the man with the boy had whispered to the boy.

“I hope there is a little girl, I am growing bored of you.” The man laughed under his breath and then gave a small cough. The boy looked around and made a move to stand up, the distinct sound of chains caught her attention.

“Our first item for sale is not the strongest I got, but I see much potential in it.” The man snapped his fingers and a tall skinny man appeared from behind the stage. His arms and legs were shackled together. “It needs a bit of work, but he would make an excellent servant. Maybe a good butler?” Tybell didn’t seem to care about his sales pitch. Whatever his special item is, it’s bound to be something worth all of them combined. Artemis’s curiosity was now more than peaked.

“500 gold coins!” A man shouted somewhere behind Artemis.

“600!” Another man said. The bidding war continued until the first man won after bidding a eight hundred gold coins. Artemis scowled; glad her face was hidden from view. Tybell motioned for the man to walk off stage and he disappeared from view.

“Next on our list is a young maiden. She wasn’t easy to obtain either.” He snapped his fingers again and a young woman, barely an adult walked onto the stage. Unlike the man before, her arms were covered in welts. Artemis expected her to be in tears, but instead her eyes were hard and cold and pleading.

“I would if I could,” Artemis whispered, her hands clutching tightly to her arm rest. It was bad enough they sold their male as if cattle, but a female? It was blasphemous.

“She is not only beautiful but strong and intelligent. She needs to be broken in a bit… but I am more than confident that she will provide invaluable services… if you know what I mean.” Tybell winked and a roar of laughter rolled through out the crowed. “For her I will take no less than a thousand gold coins.

Immediately bids burst from the crowed. Tybell hid a small smile. Several more men, and a woman were bought. Artemis could see that Tybell was getting more excited by the minute. He was making more money than most would see in a life time.

“We have one last object for sale. She is… well more than special. She is young, eleven years old. There is quite an interesting story behind her too. Oh how my employers were so pleased when they found her.” Tybell paused, the crowd around Artemis began to stir restlessly. She was staring at the back of the fat man’s head, which was now bobbing up and down in anticipation. When the crowd quieted he continued. “If you can’t pay more than fifty thousand, I will have to ask you to either leave or shut up.” He snapped his fingers and a small girl with honey blonde hair walked on. Her facial features were angular unlike the rest of the slaves. Her skin was flawless. The little girl scanned the crowd and for a second they paused on Artemis and then continued their scan. Thick tears were rolling down her cheeks. She must be using all her strength to hold back. The girl turned her head revealing her ears.

“It couldn’t be…” Artemis had to restrain herself from shouting. She blinked twice and she felt bile working its way up her throat. The little girl’s ears were pointed. Apparently she wasn’t the only one to have noticed the ears. Loud whispering burst out around her. The girl’s legs wobbled for a second as if to collapse. “No… please… no.” Artemis whispered. As her own tears threatened to spill over she brushed them away with a few blinks. She must remain strong.
“I see you have an appreciation for what I have here. Yes that is right. She is very much a Light Elf, or Soluri in their own tongue. She is young and has yet to have their training. My men went through a lot of trouble to obtain her. Blood was spilled, men were killed, but they succeeded! Now let the bidding…” before Tybell could finish a shout from the large man in front of Artemis shouted out seventy thousand gold coins.

“A hundred thousand…” Artemis shouted, she hoped her anger in her voice didn’t betray her.

“110,000!” The man said without hesitation. The little boy sitting next to him looked over his shoulder at Artemis.

“140,000!” Artemis cried out.
“150,000”
“170,000!”

By now the room was silent. No one dared to breath, but Artemis knew what they were all thinking. Who was she to afford such prices. The truth was, she didn’t have more than a hundred gold coins to her name. She wasn’t sure what possessed her to try and outbid a man, knowing she couldn’t even come close. You could drive up his price and then kill the man and rob Tybell blind, a small voice whispered inside her. It was cold and calculating. She had learned long ago to ignore that side of herself. She was an Soluri Guard. She couldn’t go around breaking the laws.

“200,000 gold coins!” The man said. Tybell’s mouth hung open and she could have sworn she saw drool dangling from his bottom lip.

Standing up Artemis spoke slowly and calmly. “I wasn’t aware people were in such a rush to pay handsomely to be hung. Ladies and Gentleman what we are buying would only cause the death of the buyer. It is forbidden by Soluri Guard law to sell and buy Soluri. The fact that the girl is female, which are held higher than males, makes the offense worse.” Just as she expected the fat man stiffened. Artemis quickly wracked her brains for a plan. Could scaring them work? Would they release her if Tybell was scared enough? Hoping it would work, she looked at Tybell who remained unfazed by this revelation.

“I am quite aware of this Miss,” Tybell said, crossing his arms, “I also know that the Soluri Guard has no authority within this region. For them to try and police it would be a decleration of War.” He looked triumphant as Artemis sank into the chair. He was right of course. What made matters worse is that the Soluri relied heavily on Theresfeild’s Mining Company for iron ore.

“Forgive me Ulthien, for I have failed you.” She whispered. She looked to the small Soluri girl and forced herself to watch as all her hope vanished as realization crashed around her, sucking her into a void of misery. The fat man jumped in his seat excitedly. The soluri child walked off the stage and disappeared.

_________________


Sometimes, late at night, I sit here and I wonder. The things I wonder vary from night to night. Sometimes I wonder about the stars and other nights I wonder about what tomorrow will be like. But recently I have been wondering what my life would have been like without you...-Samantha Greene
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Re: The Slave Girl: Chapter 1

Post by Hannah_Banana222 on Mon Sep 27, 2010 5:50 pm

Awesome.

*anxiously awaits the end of The Black Cat* Eep!
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Re: The Slave Girl: Chapter 1

Post by Unit7 on Tue Sep 28, 2010 6:30 pm

I am surprised I haven't had threatening PMs from you demanding me to finish The Black Cat.

Hopefully it will be worth the wait.

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Sometimes, late at night, I sit here and I wonder. The things I wonder vary from night to night. Sometimes I wonder about the stars and other nights I wonder about what tomorrow will be like. But recently I have been wondering what my life would have been like without you...-Samantha Greene
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Re: The Slave Girl: Chapter 1

Post by Rex on Wed Sep 29, 2010 10:47 am

Nice one. This has great potential. I hope you post more soon


The Slave Girl: Chapter 1

I am not sure about how this story is placed but it's always nice to start the first chapter with more of an introduction into the world. I can see that you tried to do this here but it still felt a bit confusing


“500 gold coins!” A man shouted somewhere behind Artemis.

Just a quick note. This is a huge huge amount of money in any era. I mean really huge.
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Re: The Slave Girl: Chapter 1

Post by Unit7 on Wed Sep 29, 2010 1:06 pm

Rex wrote:Nice one. This has great potential. I hope you post more soon


The Slave Girl: Chapter 1

I am not sure about how this story is placed but it's always nice to start the first chapter with more of an introduction into the world. I can see that you tried to do this here but it still felt a bit confusing


“500 gold coins!” A man shouted somewhere behind Artemis.

Just a quick note. This is a huge huge amount of money in any era. I mean really huge.

Yeah I know. I didn't bother trying to figure out the economy so I just said screw it and went with the pricing of things in the MMOPRG that this is slightly based on. Very Happy

Also exactly what do you mean by an introduction of the world?

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Sometimes, late at night, I sit here and I wonder. The things I wonder vary from night to night. Sometimes I wonder about the stars and other nights I wonder about what tomorrow will be like. But recently I have been wondering what my life would have been like without you...-Samantha Greene
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Re: The Slave Girl: Chapter 1

Post by brown eyes sp on Wed Sep 29, 2010 6:24 pm

I think the story idea seems really cool, but as a prequel this story should set up the world and what was going on better. I wanted to get really into the story but couldn't because I felt like I was thrust into a story without a lot of necessary information to understand a lot of what was going on. Also, it seemed like you were 'telling' a lot instead of showing, but that will probably be weeded out in later drafts.

Good draft though. Your storylines are always pretty original, which I enjoy.

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Re: The Slave Girl: Chapter 1

Post by Unit7 on Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:53 pm

brown eyes sp wrote:I think the story idea seems really cool, but as a prequel this story should set up the world and what was going on better. I wanted to get really into the story but couldn't because I felt like I was thrust into a story without a lot of necessary information to understand a lot of what was going on. Also, it seemed like you were 'telling' a lot instead of showing, but that will probably be weeded out in later drafts.

Good draft though. Your storylines are always pretty original, which I enjoy.


Oh to tell the full story of Artemis would take a lifetime. But the point of The Slave Girl is actually a rather Vital key piece in what happens in The Black Cat. In retrospect, I think I started at the end of the full story. o.O

The only really necessary information that was left out at the start of The Slave Girl is that Artemis is a light elf and the reasons for her being in that city. Well I suppose one would need to know exactly what the Soluri Guard were.

Just a brief idea: The Soluri Guard is a organization that does various duties. From protecting the homes and well being of the Light Elfs. So they protect their Forest's borders, defend off attacks, and all sorts of fun stuff. If a foreign power wishes for their services they can act very similar to that of a Private Military Company. They serve as body guards, help defend against common enemies from breaching their cities, and other tasks. They also have a branch within the Soluri Guard that aids in relief efforts. Unlike their cousin's version, the Astari Guard, they are not an independant organization and are under the Queen of the Soluri.


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Sometimes, late at night, I sit here and I wonder. The things I wonder vary from night to night. Sometimes I wonder about the stars and other nights I wonder about what tomorrow will be like. But recently I have been wondering what my life would have been like without you...-Samantha Greene
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Re: The Slave Girl: Chapter 1

Post by Rex on Wed Sep 29, 2010 10:14 pm

Yeah I know. I didn't bother trying to figure out the economy so I just said screw it and went with the pricing of things in the MMOPRG that this is slightly based on.
Lol I probably noticed only because I was checking out this history thing on Rome and the slaves Razz


Also exactly what do you mean by an introduction of the world
brown eyes pretty much said it




Oh to tell the full story of Artemis would take a lifetime.
The story of the main character is not by itself so important since you can have the whole book to tell it. But an quick overview of the world is good so you can take the plunge into the atmosphere. Like for example you can use that cheap trick that writers sometimes use as a quickie like say :



The Amphitheater of Whatver you call it. A center of scum and villainy where the most vile of humans,dwarves,elfs and whatver else races they are would live out the most vile of practices. It seemed like a fitting place to be the crown jewel of the "name of the region where this is " . A pitful kingdom of darkness that would have been destroyed long ago if not for the mines of...whatever. But alas even it's neighbours the brave elves of whatver who followed whatever and the stubborn dwarves of whatver who did whatver couldn't endanger this resources.


Well I don't really have the Enlighs skills for it but you get the idea. Basically you use just a few sentences for quick combo of both geography,establishing the races/countries and the main thing about them. It's a cheap trick but quite effective.
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Re: The Slave Girl: Chapter 1

Post by Unit7 on Wed Sep 29, 2010 10:50 pm

Its amazing. You have just given me some insight into my subconcious, or whatever it is, by giving me that example. How is it that I seem to only make these connections until someone else points it out to me.

Of course you don't necessarily know why I am saying this. Mostly because I hadn't exactly revealed what its like in Therensfield, except for the Mining Company and that it participates in slave trading.

Of course I think I should probably start fully developing this fantasy world. Especially considering I have been thinking of including my upcoming project The Blood Temple into this realm.

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Sometimes, late at night, I sit here and I wonder. The things I wonder vary from night to night. Sometimes I wonder about the stars and other nights I wonder about what tomorrow will be like. But recently I have been wondering what my life would have been like without you...-Samantha Greene
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Re: The Slave Girl: Chapter 1

Post by Rex on Fri Oct 01, 2010 10:04 am

LOl I have no idea what you mean but I am glad I could help Smile
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